Virtual Piss Up

[charlies angel]

As the umpa-lumpa people dance around for the Imortal, Charlie siezes the moment and approaches the quiet stranger in the corner of the room who turns out to be ....

[Stottle]

Happy that he has secured a night with the girl of his dreams, Stottle can now sit back and check out all the other P-45ers that are now in the bar.

[carrie]

...a complete stranger who knows nothing about the p45 get together at all - he likes the look of charlie though!

[Busaras]

Unknown to Stottle, the Umpa-lumpa people of which he now is a member, are unisex and as such are like Barbie and Ken, completely sexless....

[charlies angel]

Oh Stottle! You are wicked. What are you having to drink?

[Joefuz]

*sticks fingers down throat - pukes into handy bucket*
Ah no, I'm fine really. No really. ye wouldn't mind emptying that for me, would ya?

[ArseOverElbow]

AOE envies the Umpa-Lumpa people. He is a bar of Birds Strawberry Jelly, and is destined for a trifle somewhere.

Thanks, Sheila, he says, with not a small hint of sarcasm...

[charlies angel]

as charlie makes her way towards carrie, who does she bump into but the one and only....

[4ofUs]

.............in walks Mary. I remove my black leather jacket and reveal a dangerously low cut shirt, set off by a sweet & innocent face. I glide over to the group (it has to be the P45 crew, there are significantly more available men than woman & I like those odds). I order up a bottle of Jack (Mr. Daniels & I are on a first name basis) & immediately challenge the men to a drinking contest. Let's see who can do the most shots............

[Stottle]

I'll have a Gin&Tonic please Charlie. Don't you mind the fact that a) I am now a sexless umpa lumpa and b) The Imortal seems to have taken a distinct dislike to me?!

[carrie]

i see charlie coming towards me when she's accosted by a strangelooking guy - wonder who he is?

[Busaras]

Being not too heartless an Immortal, Busaras decides to allow Stottle some serious interaction with the women, so he turns him into a box of Tampax.

[dirtysteve_99]

Walks into room,announcing that he has just arrived from Limerick city,table in corner clears rapidly.He sits down to continue drinking and wenching.

[charlies angel]

Joe, when you've finished puking up last nights dinner and all that drink, can I have a G&T for my friend here and a glass of wine for me. Get the Immortal one of whatever he's having so that this umpa-lumpa thing can come to an end....

[Stottle]

Ahh throw me a frikkin bone here Bus!!!!

[Busaras]

Getting a pain in the neck from having to talk down to the Umpa - Lumpas, The IMmortal turns everyone back into normal sized people, excepts Stottle, of whom bits are been used to soak up spillage on the counter by Joefuz.

[Busaras]

Sensing growing unhappiness among the Dossers, The Immortal turns Stottle back into a human, unfortunetly he is now minus a leg from below the knee and three fingers.

[Steve]

...while all of this is going on, Steve sits hunched in a corner sipping at his pint(s) {sorry folks, was at lunch}.

he has already decided to avoid the pissed immortal but definitely likes the look of the new arrival, Mary.

*continues waiting and watching*

[charlies angel]

Joe still hasn't gotten those drinks for me. Charlie lodges a complaint with the Immortal one(or should that be immoral one after all the tricks he played) about the slow service....

[Steve]

*makes mental note*

dont fuck with Busaras.

[bear]

very confused, still don't understand their accents, seems to be the cool thing to be naked while squezzing buttocks....
Now who looks easy here.hmmmm...naked guy perhaps?

[charlies angel]

Unfortunatly for Charlie, Steve's mental note came a bit too late....

[carrie]

carrie glances at steve who's suddenly resurfaced and starts moving in his direction when....

[Busaras]

A giant hand appears through the ceiling and slaps Joefuz on the back of the head for tardy bar service.

Joefuz is demoted back to drinker, and self service is introduced.

[charlies angel]

which suits charlie perfectly cos herself and joe were just about to get to know one another before he became barman.

[4ofUs]

Mary, feeling a bit left out of the fun (as usual), decides to circle the pub & mingle. She finally chooses a seat at the bar (as usual. She's dying for some attention, eyes scanning the crowd, waiting for the perfect opportunity to enter into conversation when she is suddenly dazzled by a handsome man who's name is.........

[This message has been edited by 4ofUs (edited 19 January 2000).]

[Steve]

certainly not Steve, who is watching carries approach with interest!

[4ofUs]

......and so she leaves to find entertainment elsewhere as she's arrived too late.

[This message has been edited by 4ofUs (edited 19 January 2000).]

[carrie]

i approach with Interest, who happens to have suddenly appeared when we're all stopped in our tracks by a...

[Busaras]

6'ft tall pint of Guinness

[Elimare]

Eli meanwhile is seated at teh bar. There certainly a lot of wierdo's about tonight, good thing she packed her mace.

Sighing she wonders where the hell the P45 crowd is... it was arranged for tonight wasn't it?

[Steve]

Steve, noticing Busaras' challenge, jumps to his feet and knocks the six foot pint of guinness back.

Several seconds later there is a 6' empty glass in the centre of the bar, and Steve retakes his seat (STILL waiting for carrie to make it;p)

[Interest]

gis a pint barman!

[Joefuz]

G&T? Well, there's some T anyway. Get back to you on the G.

Has Eli arrived yet?

[4ofUs]

.....on her way out the door, Mary spots a petite dark haired woman, wearing mostly black. Mary (despite her piss poor eyesight)figures it must be Eli, so she brings over a pint to begin a chat........Good thing we're not over there with those libido driven, sex-crazed man, eh Eli?

[Busaras]

The Immortal observes Steve with interest and sends him a 4'ft G & T

[carrie]

carrie finally makes it across the room but steve seems to rather preoccupied with a guinness - typical man!

[Stottle]

Stottle, feeling a change is needed(seeing as Bus has seriously messed him up) nips out to the toilet and returns as..........

Dan dan dan aaaaaarrrrrrr CUCUMBERMAN!!!!!!!!!

[Steve]

Steve looks at the 4' G&T presented to him by the immortal.

Steve looks Busaras dead in the eye.

"I aint drinkin' no bleedin girls drink"

[Elimare]

Eli looks over to see some bloke downing a 6 ft pint of Guinness. Jesus the breweries are getting a bit out of hand with their promotional nights aren't they?

She decides to take off her coat as it's getting quite warm.

Still no sign of anyone she'd want to talk to though...

[ArseOverElbow]

was happily sipping away at the bar, when he was swamped by 83 gallons of Arthur's best.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop the enormous wash of Guinness that flowed away from him, washing half the P45 group towards the door.

He screamed "Drink For Your Lives!!" before realising that was an idiotic thing to say; sure isn't that what the P45 group do for a living.

When the flow ebbed, he opened his eyes to see...

[4ofUs]

Cucumberman has arrived a bit early, as Snoopy has yet to enter the scene.

[Joefuz]

And Oi! D'ye mind? Some of us have work to do and can't be virtual barmen all the time!

Ah feck, I'm going to me bed. Have a long bus journey tomorrow.

Attractive single women who want to follow me to my bed, form an orderly single file line by the door please.

[Steve]

Steve turns to Carrie and smiles, saying

"I got you a present"

shortly before presenting her with a 4'G&T

[bear]

This Guinness stuff isn't as good as the Murphys back home at all....
Now where Eli?

[Elimare]

Sorry Mary, didn't see you standing directly in front of me.

So are that lot the P45 crowd?

[carrie]

carrie ignores the proffered drink and gets herself a bushmills from the bar.

nice try though steve!

[4ofUs]

Yes, Eli, and I've already scoped out the crowd for us. Nothing interesting. I say we keep quiet in the corner & just watch them make asses of themselves. Btw, did you bring the digital camera?

[Joefuz]

Ah well, I'll just make me lonely way home, scare a few Dubs with me northern accent by asking the way to Leinster house or the nearest oil refinery.

Well, I'll be off now then. if anyone from P45 arrives, tell them that this is booked for next week, like a good man.

[Elimare]

Eli notices a young fella standing at the door looking as if he's leaving. Bit early for that innit? It's only 7.30

[Steve]

Steve curses as his womanising hits a brick wall.

Dammit if she wont let me get her drunk, all hope is lost.

[carrie]

steve looks so disappointed by the failure of his last tactic that carrie takes pity on him and...

[Steve]

Grabs a hold of his arm, leading him off towards...

[carrie]

...Interest who's simply been dying to meet him all evening

[Steve]

You will of course burn in hell.

Just for that.

Oh yes.

[Joefuz]

Hmmm... Woman looking at me...
Short - check
Dressed in black -check
grey hat - check.
squinting cos she's half blind - check.
Must be Eli.
feck that going home crap!

How're ye Eli! I'm Joey!

[4ofUs]

Sure Joey, ignore me! And with that I'm fed up with all of you. I'm off to find paddy james, who's stuck in virtual limbo.

[Steve]

*squirms away from carrie and interest*

Don't leave yet Mary, I owe you for keeping me entertained on those long lonely winter nights with your _different_ postings here!

Here! Have a 4' G&T!

[Elimare]

How's about ye Joey?

Mary come back! I've just bought ye another round!

[4ofUs]

Alright, I'll stay for a few more. Can't turn down a drink, now can I?

[Joefuz]

Ah sure you must be Mary? How're ye's both?

[Viscount]

Would there be a pint in the house that needs drinking per chance..?

[shakuhachi]

Shak turns up, deliberately pretends not
to see the P45 crowd and goes round
every other table asking "p45?" so he can
cop a close look at all the other totty
in the place before ending up at the
p45 table with "oh there you are!". Then
heads off early mumbling something about
Chinese lounge girls.

[Elimare]

Eli looks over to the bar things seem to have quietened down, there doesn't seem to be as much billowing green smoke and screaming going on.

"Howaye Vis, ye got a flight eventually then?"

[Elimare]

OI You shak! I recognise you, get back here and drink yer pint!

[Steve]

Steve falls silent; there are no amazing events going on for him to react to any more and his infamous shyness kicks in as he sits there almost in a daze watching Mary drink.

[Viscount]

Don't ask...! But I made it and I am smiling.

Mary if ya still here sorry about last night - I honestly did not know.

I'm fine Eli hows yerself. Anyone fancy a beer..? What currency do you want barman? or shall I just leave my card?

[Joefuz]

ME (to two attractive young women: Ah, it's great to see ye's both.
ATTRACTIVE WOMEN: We don't know you.
ME: Well, it's still great te see ye's
A.W.: Ye see what you're doi' wrong there?
ME: What?
A.W.: Nothin'. Come on with us and have some fun.

*realise I'm day dreaming again.

[Banshee]

Banshee, realising that things have got completely out of hand and highly disgusted that she has not been approached yet, given that she got her moustache specially waxed for the occasion and all, indignantly marches towards the exit...

[Bigjoe]

Bigjoe arrives in his Tarzen outfit.

Anybody here order a kiss-agram.

He makes his excuses for being late.

"Sorry folks, been trying to write a sitcom all day".

He calls to the barman

"Barkeep, drinks all round"

[4ofUs]

Vis, what are you on about?

Now that the riff raff have left (except for shak) we can now ease back with some pints. So, Joey, Vis, Steve--how's your woman situation? Anything interesting on the dating scene?

Eli--how about you? Have you met anyone reasonably intelligent lately (present company doesn't count here)?

[Elimare]

Eli smacks Joey with a beer mat for plagiarising a BASS ad.

[Viscount]

While still waiting for the barman Viscount gives up and jumps the bar in one move and shouts

'Right who wants what..?'

Viscount then attaches a hose to the pump of a barrel of beer and passes the end to Joey.

[This message has been edited by Viscount (edited 19 January 2000).]

[Elimare]

Banshee come join us! We almost didn't see you there under the table.

[Steve]

You really don't want to know about my women situation mary, believe me....hell, *I* dont want to know about my women situation half the time http://www.p45.net/rant/smile.gif

[4ofUs]

Ah, I'm always up for a good story (whether it be funny, gross, heart wrenching or boring). So, spill it Steve! And the rest of you won't get off the hook that easily, either!

[Viscount]

Me - I am currently singel after getting Royally kicked in the nuts just before Christmas - but I have now recovered.

[Steve]

I am not what might be deemed a sociable person.

I'm in a relationship right now but it really is dead in the water.

Oh, to be a normal person one day..

[Sheila Feelit]

Sheila arrives back to the bar looking slightly disheveled (but smiling) after her encounter with Cucumberman outside the door of the toilets.

Double vodka and lime please barman!

So what did I miss?

[Elimare]

Ahh Mary what'd ye want to bring up a depressing subject like my love-life for?

Eli chokes back another beer and calls for Sambuca all around.

[4ofUs]

Sorry to hear that, Vis. And just before the holidays! Well, I guess that means your available again, huh? Being single isn't *so* bad...............I guess.

[Viscount]

Viscount still serving calls for a light for the sambuca - 'Anyone smoke..? I need to roast me nuts'

[4ofUs]

Sorry, Eli. Just trying to get to know everyone on a more human level is all. I'll join you with that Sambuca, as I've no man myself. But who needs a man, when you have friends to bitch about them with?

Steve, if your relationship is dead in the water are you going to break up soon, then?

Christ, this is depressing. Anyone gotta good joke to tell?

[Steve]

"YES. MORE BOOZE."

Steve cried out before starting on triple vodkas.

[Viscount]

I feel better now. I have had a few confidence boosting moments since though - the only way to get through the whole thing.

[Sheila Feelit]

Here's one Mary, what's the difference between your husband and your boyfriend?

[Sheila Feelit]

About 45 minutes!!!

[Viscount]

I feel an insult comming on

[ArseOverElbow]

..returns, throwing the cucumber underneath a table as he approaches.

"Anyone for a salad sandwich?"

[4ofUs]

Hah! Good one Sheila! I love corny jokes, so here's a really bad one for you:


Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?


A:To avoid sam 'n ella!

[Sheila Feelit]

Why did the man cross the road?

He heard the chicken was a slut.

[Viscount]

How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. That's an engineer's job.


How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. The piano player does it with his left hand.


How many Belfast folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Ten. One to screw it in, and the other nine to sing how good the old one was.


How many liberated women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to turn it in and four to form a support group.


How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need.


How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?

One.


How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.


How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs

[This message has been edited by Viscount (edited 19 January 2000).]

[Joefuz]

Gedoff Eli! I have the accent for it!

The woman situation Mary? Position vacant at the minute. My eligible bachelor status remains untarnished for now. Unless ye want to do something about it? http://www.p45.net/rant/wink.gif

[Busaras]

With that joke, Sheila feelit was floored by a six foot square batch toasted ham'n'cheese

[Sheila Feelit]

Jaysus Busaras you're a star. How did you know that at this stage of the night I'm usually starvin!!!!

Thanks mate

[Banshee]

Banshee: 5'8 and a half; grey eyes; dark hair and single...pulls up a chair and opens heart to all...

"Aaaaah it's great to talk at last, the third person was beginning to get to me...Well, here I am, single as the day I was born...but interested, nay, infatuated, with this guy who I probably can't have..."

And so on and so forth ... the same oul story...

[4ofUs]

LOL, cheers for the corny jokes!

So, none of us are attached then? Guess that explains the hours spent on the internet.

[Elimare]

Uh oh, thought Eli, the shenanigans had started at the bar again. That 'Wizard of Oz Wannabe' was flinging deli items around the pub again.

[Steve]

I love that word.

"Probably"

it's so -optimistic-.

[Viscount]

What - your saying were muppets or something..? I am only on the web when I am at work - or occassionaly at home when bnothing is on the telly or I am drunk.

[Sheila Feelit]

Having finished munching through the 6ft sambo, Sheila looks up and with an astonished look on her face spots....

[Elimare]

Busaras witht eh digital Camera.
"Smile for the birdie" he calls as Sheila picks a 2lb block of cheese from her teeth.

[Joefuz]

I'll just sit here and be ignored again shall I?

Look! Look over there!!!! It's... oh never mind.

[Viscount]

now realising that it is not a Black Tie Doo after all undoes his Bow Tie and loosens a few buttons of his shirt.

[4ofUs]

Not what I meant, Vis. I was actually thinking more along the lines of all the outrageous flirting that goes on here & how everything revolves around sex (and yes, I admit to being a ringleader on that score). NO insult intended.

[Sheila Feelit]

Sheila flashes a "cheesy" grin at the camera and turns to Joefuzz who says...

[Viscount]

No insult taken - fancy a drink..?

[4ofUs]

Joey, I wouldn't ignore you (especially since you have that cute little northern accent & all).

[4ofUs]

Vis, if you're buying, then I'm drinking!

[Steve]

Mary - speaking for myself..uhm..yes indeed, on net too much when I should be out doing 'cool' things with friends.

Which I do -occasionaly- but not nearly as often as a lot of people think I should.

Cest la vie.

[Viscount]

Well I am not catually buying I am just standing behind the bar serving up as there is no Barkeep - so Beers are Free

[Bigjoe]

I would not mind being attached to one or all of you ladies at the hip.

Anyone for a line.


[This message has been edited by Bigjoe (edited 19 January 2000).]

[This message has been edited by Bigjoe (edited 19 January 2000).]

[Sheila Feelit]

Sheila's head shoots up, having heard the immortal words "Beer" and "Free" used in the same sentence.

27 double vodka's and red bull please

[Joefuz]

I dunno Sheila. What do I say?

It's actually quite a large northern accent Mary. Got it at a car boot sale. Bargain it was too. Had to hire a lorry to get it home though.

[ArseOverElbow]

...decides to try out a few of his coolest pick-up lines...

That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

HI! Can I buy you a car?

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

That's a nice shirt, it would go great with my floor.

Drop 'em!

I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!

What do you like for breakfast?

Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?

Would you like to have morning coffee with me?

Awaits a torrent of abuse (or, perhaps, a good comeback from the girls?!)

[Sheila Feelit]

Sorry ArseOverElbow, I'm not your type - I'm not inflatable. heheheh

[Viscount]

Viscount just passes Shelia the bottle of Vodka and a straw .. oh and a bucket..!

[Banshee]

Ach jeezus life's too short...might as well work on my developing cirhosis of the liver problem by ordering MORE BEER>>>MORE BEER please!

[Viscount]

now attaches a hose to the barrel and passes the end to Banshee

[4ofUs]

Alright, Vis, I'll take a free drink any way I can get it!

Steve, don't spend so much free time on the net! Spend at the pub, instead!

[Steve]

Pubs bore me. A lot.

[Banshee]

In her drunken state observes Viscount standing in front of her...with MIGHTY hose in his hand...thinks all her Christmases have come together...

[ArseOverElbow]

tells Sheila

What was that sound?" "It was the sound of my heart breaking".

(Hey, I've got 575 of these to use up, let's get going!!)

[Sheila Feelit]

Sheila drains the bottle of vodka in one. What's that fecking bucket for? I've got the stomach of a cow (and the personality) I'll have you know!

[carrie]

the cinema instead, perhaps?

[Bigjoe]

Bigjoe explains to all the ladies that he will respect them in hte morning.

[4ofUs]

Why do pubs bore you Steve? Perhaps you just need the right company to join you.

NOw as for Vis' big hose........

[4ofUs]

BJ, you might respect me in the morning, but what about tonight?

[Steve]

haven't been to the cinema in many a year.

No if I'm going out it will be to the pub, but I'll rarely be bothered unless the company will be good.

[Viscount]

http://www.p45.net/rant/wink.gif

[Joefuz]

Ah dear. The depravity! And in public too!

[Viscount]

At the sight of Viscount with a hose in his hand and wearing dinner suit casually Mary and Shelia and Banshee ....

[Sheila Feelit]

Depravity - Great. I was wondering when the fun would start.

[Banshee]

Nope Steve, pubs are ok...night clubs are a bore! *unless too pissed to care*

[Banshee]

...Mary, Sheila and Banshee engage in cat fight over Viscount and his hose...

I win, only cos I fight dirty *observe pieces of skin between teeth*...

Hops up on bar counter...Viscount...my lovely....

[Viscount]

Hello - and what can I do for you..?

[Joefuz]

D'ye mind gettin' off me bar missus! This is a pub ye know!

And nigh clubs are crap. Much better craic going down to the local with your mates.

[Elimare]

Eli realises her glasses are empty... then wonders why she was drinking out of a pair of spectacles.

I say barkeep!

[Banshee]

Giz yer hose daaarlin'

[Steve]

Nightclubs are shit as a general rule.

Pubs can be alright, and most of the time they are...

I guess I is just too darned antisocial.

[Viscount]

gives her a hose the length of which she has never had before right where she wanted it most.

[Viscount]

and then goes over to refill Eli's glass

[Banshee]

Falls off bar laughing at Viscounts hose

[Banshee]

*scrounges around in makeup bag for tweezers so that she may examine Viscount's hose more carefully*

[Viscount]

Do you mind - I'm over here.

[bear]

so are going anywhere later on then?

[Steve]

Bloody women.

Meant to be going out monday - she cant make it, but says she'll go out today instead.

No word from her today, been trying to get through to her mobile but keep getting message minder.

ARGH!

[4ofUs]

I feel your pain, Steve. Been there many times with men myself. Only way to deal with that is to leave a message & then forget about her. If you don't hear back soon, make other plans. I've *sworn* up & down that I will never sit around & wait for anyone ever again. If someone wants to be with you, then they'll put in the effort to see you. If not, then the search must continue to find those who do. No sense in sweating about it.

[Steve]

Good lord.

Wants to be with me? I know she's my girlfridnd but she's not a **complete** psycho yet..

Heh Heh

Want to be with me

I must remember that one http://www.p45.net/rant/smile.gif http://www.p45.net/rant/smile.gif http://www.p45.net/rant/smile.gif

[4ofUs]

That's not funny.

[Steve]

No, not really, and I don't know why I pretended it was...my point is this...I don't expect people to want to be with me...if I did, then I would have had a sum total of 0 relationships thus far in my life...I am not a fun person to be around, thats just the way of things I'm afraid and I've learned to accept that other people don't want to be around me.

C'est tout.

[Stottle]

Fuckin reality always gets in the way of a virtual pissup!!! Says Stottle who returns from a bout of WORK!

Pint of larger and a packet of crisps please barman. Anyone else want a drink?

[Steve]

Mine's a black russian.

Oh great. SMS arrives. Cant make it out this week. Joy. Rapture. Bahhhh Humbug, this relationship is thisssss close to being ended.

[4ofUs]

Mmmmmm. Black Russians are my favorite. I'll have one also. Make it a double, please.

[charlies angel]

Charlie comes back from getting some food to cheer up the situation. Offers to buy everyone a drink from the self service bar...

[Banshee]

Steve: "I don't expect people to want to be with me..." Ding ding! That rings a bell with me...
basically I'm being...persued really is the only way I can describe it...by the *nicest* guy I've ever met...but I can't believe it...I seriously can't get my head around it...because I can't figure out *what* the hell he sees in me!!!

*warped*

[Viscount]

I could really do with a beer now - so pass me a pint.

[charlies angel]

Seeing as how the drinks problem is being dealt with, how about getting down to the nitty-gritty about each other....

[4ofUs]

What kind of nitt-gritty stuff do you want to know?

[Viscount]

Nitty Gritty like about that comment that you said about me last night - which I have only just read Mary http://www.p45.net/rant/wink.gif

[Stottle]

I am all ears ladies

[4ofUs]

Oh, I said lots of things last night. Can't remember which one you're referring to at the mo. Refresh my memory, please Vis.

[Banshee]

Why do I always get morose and melancholic when drunk?

Pass me the barmans towel so I may suck the precious droplets of alcohol from it...oh yeah and that ashtray full of beer too...yum....

[Viscount]

The one about what i was wearing...(or was not as you put it..!)?

[4ofUs]

You mean your jumper & combat boots & typing with your swollen willy? That one?

[Viscount]

Thats the one - now bearing in mind I was refering to 'Combat Trousers' where did that comment come from..?

[charlies angel]

Ok. There are people that you can go to for problems like this.....I was looking for the kind of low down on people so that I'd be able to spot them on Sat in the Shelbourne (that is if any of you guys will be going)

[4ofUs]

Vis--I guess I just wasn't paying close enough attention to what you were saying. Sorry, my imagination just runs wild sometimes. You have to admit, it's a pretty funny image.

Picture it: handsome young man (I prefer to picture handsome young men naked, rather than old shrivelled up ones) sitting at his computer, wearing only combat boots & a jumper. Suddenly, he stands up & begins typing with his......erect self. But what's he saying? "jkodnmfnada;re" not a very proficient typer, that willy of his.

[This message has been edited by 4ofUs (edited 19 January 2000).]

[Clever Dick]

Did you know that I have got no arms...? They don't call me Clever Dick for nothing..!

[Viscount]

I find that image quite disturbing Mary you do have a warped mind don't you http://www.p45.net/rant/smile.gif

[4ofUs]

I guess I am a bit warped http://www.p45.net/rant/frown.gif But I still think it's funny. Maybe it's just time I found myself a man. Yeah, I think that's it. It's been far too long since I've had one.

[Steve]

Mary - you have a man, he just fell down behind the cushions of your sofa - check for yourself if you dont believe me!!

its amazing the stuff you find down there sometimes http://www.p45.net/rant/smile.gif

[Viscount]

Right i'm off - I have to go a swear at my bike for an hour and then to Reality Pub but I may return - most likley when I am ratted.

[4ofUs]

I wish I could "find" one just like that (although, the ones I don't want keep turning up like a bad penny). Well, I've a very good prospect so I'll quit my whining now.

[Steve]

reckon I'm in the perfect mood to read the 'after hours' thread right about now, then head off home.

Ciao.

[shakuhachi]

4OfUs:"Now that the riff raff have left
(except for shak)"

Sorry, I haven't got the breeding for that.

[Joefuz]

Ye go off and do an honest bit of work, and the place goes to feck in your absence. What's that all about, eh?

[4ofUs]

Just trying to get your attention shak. And it worked, finally. You came in for 2 seconds & then left.

Anyway, so are you honestly going to the real drinkies session Joey?

[Joefuz]

Yes I honestly am Mary, with a little help from my friends.
Why, did ye not think I could pull something like that outa the hat?

[Bigjoe]

anybody going virtual clubbing??

[4ofUs]

No, Joey, I was just wondering if it was really going to work out for you.
BJ, I'm just about virtual-drunk enough to dance! I'll go clubbing!

[This message has been edited by 4ofUs (edited 19 January 2000).]

[Stottle]

Can't be arsed to go virtual clubbing, anyone fancy coming back to mine for a virtual shag?

[Elimare]

Well, stottle with an invitation like that...

[Joefuz]

Anyone coming for a virtual kebab?

[shakuhachi]

4OfUs:You came in for 2 seconds & then left.

So that's why ex-girlfriends used to
call me stiletto!!!

[4ofUs]

Not much of a Dan Juan, are you shak? Can't go for longer than 2 secs.......

[shakuhachi]

Exactly 4OfUs, I've always been a bit
hyperactive.

[Joefuz]

Ah dear, the convo has just gone down hill.
Mary, are ye really into all that stuff described in yer big huge thread the other day?
And what does S&M stand for?

[4ofUs]

NO, Joey, I'm not really into all that. I'm just joking. WEll, some of yes--like the blindfold bit, the ice cubes, the sensual stuff. I prefer to cause pleasure, not pain http://www.p45.net/rant/smile.gif

[Joefuz]

That'd be them low fat yogurts then? "Half the fat, so you get all the pleasure, and none of the pain" The Reeves and Mortimer ads for that were great.

Blindfolds eh? What happens if it was a firing squad? You'd get a thrill if this big bluff military bloke asked ye if ye wanted a blindfold? http://www.p45.net/rant/wink.gif

[4ofUs]

I'd do anything for a man in uniform!

[Joefuz]

Erm, I have a fleece with the company logo on it. Close enough?

Ah, i'm off home, talk to ye's tomorrow.

[micko]

shag - I missed the virual pints - and now I gotta dash for real ones. ciao babies.

[paddy_james]

Im listening mary, im listening.
Still into the footie gear fetish as well are ya (got that one sorted).

[4ofUs]

That soccer player fetish will never die! So, have you bought your gear so you can win me into bed? Huh?

[Sheila Feelit]

Shite, missed my chance for a virtual shag with Stottle. Am "virtually" crushed hehe - lame Sheila, very lame. Oh well!!!

Might just get another chance some other time we go for virtual drinkies.

[schez]

Then the door crashed open...and as usual, Schez realizes everyone went home 8 hours ago.
"Fucking PST."
(door slamming)

[murph2]

Murph stumbles in after realizing that she has been in some lesbian joint for the entire evening just to find that they're all gone....

[Banshee]

Well, seeing as we all can't meet in real life for various reasons, thanks to modern technology we can all have a Virtual Piss Up instead. Granted, not *quite* as much fun as the real thing and you don't get to see me in glorious technicolour, but ye can all use your vivid imaginations on that one http://www.p45.net/rant/wink.gif

Anyhoo...

Some bar in Dublin. Banshee arrives early, as always. Despite the fact that she lives in the wilds of Wesht Cork she manages to make it in before the lazy Dublin gurriers. She orders a drink from the barman *hmmmm cute, nice eyes* and finds a seat where she can scrutinize the door for signs of P45 bodies and where she can make a quick exit if they all turn out the be spotty net heads......

First to arrive is....

[Elimare]

Elimare wanders in blind as a bat. Feckin' typical. She scrutinizes the customers and notices a woman smiling at her. Wandering over she quickly side-steps to the bar, realising the smile was meant for the bloke behind her.

ahhh shag... She plonks herself on a stool at the bar and orders a drink... Surveying the room surrepticiously she notices *Everyone* seems to be drinking by themselves...

[This message has been edited by Elimare (edited 19 January 2000).]

[ArseOverElbow]

...with a case of Fosters in his hand.

"Christ" he says, "this beats the pubs in Sydney where everyone's gay and you get your arse felt while you stand at the bar!".

Shortly after which, he gets his arse felt while he stands at the bar....

[Steve]

Steve, who walks in the door several moments later. He makes his way to the bar while keeping his eyes peeled for someone he notices but, not recognising Banshee, he orders a pint and sits at the bar drinking it, wondering if anyone else is here yet.

Just then..

[Busaras]

the door swings open and various flunkeys pave the way for Busaras's entrance.....

[Busaras]

As the Immortal enters, all heads turn and bow slightly yet noticeably.

The barman approaches and donates a pint to the Immortal while attempting to stayed bowed

[This message has been edited by Busaras (edited 19 January 2000).]

[Joefuz]

*Joefuz enters, dripping wet- of course it *WOULD* start to rain just as he stepped outside the door of the B&B and stop just as he got in the door of the bar. Makes not of all exits and nearest taxi rank in case a quick getaway is needed.
Orders a pint and a packet of those bacon crispy things cos he's hungry.
Realises he's talking about himself in the third person. Slaps self across the face.

[willywear]

Who's buying?

I only have some weak local South African apple cider available and no meaningful currency to buy a round?

[ArseOverElbow]

...is buying nobody anything until he finds out who the phantom arse-squeezer is.

He looks around and sees...

[Joefuz]

Glad I brought that big coat along.

*removes coat*

*shakes coat*

*many wet people in the bar*

[Joefuz]

Hey! She's wearing no bra!

Sorry luv! *cheeky grin*

[bear]

THinking deeply "Where the hell is Banshee, me fellow south bog woman...mes from cork too like...sorted.....can't understand anything what those jackeen yokes are sayin'. Jaysus, i'll just have to pass notes to dem all."..
Oh Hillo, oh Ya, Gawd, spiffing old beans

[ArseOverElbow]

...looks suspiciously at Joefuz.

Arse squeezed?

Big coat?

He walks up to Joefuz to ask, only to realise that Joefuz has a further 6 inches on him, so retires defeated to the bar, and orders a pint.

[charlies angel]

...smacks Joe for being so forward with her. But is won over by the cheeky grin and dazzling blue/brown/grey/green eyes....(delete colours not appropriate)

[Banshee]

Banshee sits quietly in the corner...she has witnessed the arrival of a bedraggled shortsighted woman who walks in her direction, but thankfully turns away....next, the entrance of a bloke who walks to the bar, gets his arse felt and seems to enjoy it...the next guy has trouble fitting his over-large cranium in the door...possibly Busaras?

She contemplates making a hasty exit but her escape route is blocked by some lunatic shaking is wet coat everywhere....

[charlies angel]

As I try to attract the barmans attention I notice that the bar is still quite empty...obviously not one of the more popular bars in cyberspace....when suddenly to everyones surprise...

[This message has been edited by charlies angel (edited 19 January 2000).]

[Busaras]

The Immortal bored with the barman turns him into ash......

[willywear]

Check this out for a chuckle! http://users.iafrica.com/r/ro/robvt/index.html

[charlies angel]

Who ticked you off Busaras? There was no call for that. Who's going to serve the drinks now.....

[Busaras]

The Immortal then promotes Joefuz to barman, and sits on his throne as the minor deitys pay their respects on bended knee.

[Sheila Feelit]

I arrive, late as ever, peering cautiously around the bar not seeing anyone recognisable go to the bar to order a drink but find it deserted as bloody typical in Dublin. Not a barman in sight, just a guy leaning against the bar with a "Pinch Me" sign stuck to his back.

I sit down with a sigh, well I did wear purple but no one seems to have recognised me.

Just then.....

[Banshee]

Impressed with Busaras's pyrotechnic display she askes can he perform any other tricks?

[Stottle]

Always frickin late aren't I!!!!(Big entrance)

Right who's for a drink me old P-45 muckers?(in an attempt to break the ice, and flash the cash to impress ladies!)

[charlies angel]

As Charlies Angel gazes into the eyes of Joefuz, she realises that she's drunk and yet she persists in trying to order another round of drinks for everyone. Joe, being the recently promoted barman, doesn't know any better and lines up drinks for everyone. Unfortunatly, Charlie doesn't realise that her wallet was stolen and so has no money to pay for the round...

[ArseOverElbow]

...sees a girl dressed all in purple point at him across the bar and laugh, while mouthing something about "on your back".

He's pleased. At last, he's found a girl who wants to try something other than the Missionary position.

He smiles and calls her over.

She arrives beside him and says....

[charlies angel]

Charlies angel is impressed and you arrived just at the right time. Pay for this round stottle would you?

[Busaras]

Just to show Stottle who is Boss, The Immortal scales him down to 3 foot tall with a squeaky voice to match.

After a few minutes, he relents and shows mercy.

[Stottle]

ARSE!!

[charlies angel]

Charlie senses that Busaras is showing signs of jealousy. He is exerting his power over others to attract her.

[Sheila Feelit]

"Hi" in her ultra sexy voice which quickly reduces ArseOverElbow to a quivering mass of jelly.

Looking around the room for her next victim she spots a three foot squeaky voiced thing sprout into a man. Interesting. Wonder how he did that!! Wonder if he has anything that doubles it's size with that kind of speed?

She gives him the look and he comes over and says...

[3ft Maria Carey]

Then I walk into the bar. WOW someone who is not only gorgeous, but my size as well. And that squeaky voice gets my juices going!!

[Stottle]

He he he

[Joefuz]

*behind bar*
Jayz, lookit this taps? What kinda show are these people runnin'? I'll have to personally test a pint from each tap to be sure it's fit for consumption.

What about ye, hi, mucker! What'll it be?

(Blue-grey eyes CA)

[Stottle]

..... Hi, is your name Sheila?

Do you fancy showing me what butterfly kisses are?!

[Busaras]

At this stage, The Immortal is into his 4th or 5th pint and decided to liven the place up by turning everyone into 3 foot tall people with orange faces.

They all promptly start to sing songs and dance around the pub. Much amused The Immortal invites a few others of his immortal mates to come and laugh.

[charlies angel]

Busaras has become very quiet. Usually he is the centre of attention. Something must be up...

[carrie]

carrie walks in cautiously, wishing that waxy wasn't en route to australia. she's glad she borrowed his sunglasses b4 he left though..

[Sheila Feelit]

Later baby, later.

[ArseOverElbow]

...reduced to a quivering mess of jelly, wobbles to the bar, and asks the 'barman' for a pint.

The barman keels over having drunk 72 pints and 416 shorts (gotta check the spirits too).

AOE looks around for help, when suddenly, who should arrive on the scene but...

[Umpa Lumpa]

Are you taking the piss Busaras?

[ArseOverElbow]

...wakes up underneath the bar, and groans. His head is pounding and there's a funny taste in his mouth.

He lifts himself up and realises that the damned barman had been emptying the beer dregs into his mouth all night, thinking it was the 'slops' bucket.

He picks the cigarette butts out of his shirt and looks around.

"Oh....my....God!!", he says, taking in the scene. There are various bodies lying around in differing states of undress, a pair of combat trousers draped over the pool table, handcuffs and blindfolds strewn over the cigarette machine, and attached to a pair of wrists and a face. He lifts the blinfold off and looks.

"Oh dear", he says with the tone of voice that suggests someone is going to regret what they did last night. As he staggers on through the bar, being careful not to stand on anyone, he searches out the First Aid box and finds a pack of 30 dissolvable Panadol. He fills a 6ft Guinness glass with water from a hose that was floating around earlier. He pops all 30 tablets into a bucket, and climbs up onto the bar.

He pours the tablets into the glass...

The explosion was heard over 10kms away. The police said nobody stood a chance, but forensics will be examining the scene later today. Bertie appeals to the public for calm, acknowledging that these were probably the most creative, revered group of people in modern Irish society.

Busaras, with a tear rolling down his cheek, pays tribute to his merry band of deities, dossers and newbies, saying that life won't be the same at P45 now that they're gone.

But, just as everyone gives up hope.....

[This message has been edited by ArseOverElbow (edited 20 January 2000).]

[julia]

In she walks. Can you believe it? At this hour of the morning? God...

Looks like she missed all the fun. Glances around at the rubble, spies a few people that vaguely resembles those people over on P45. Rushes out and begs the Immortal Bus, on her knees, "Please, restore them. I can't live without my P45 crew. Please, Bus. You're a god, you can do these things. Whatever it takes, get them all back in one piece." Sobbing, she throws herself at his feet.

And then...

[ConorG]

she starts to heave spilling her carrots over his glisteningly clean shoes. He reaches down sympathetically and drops the loop handles of a SPAR bag over her ears as she retches into it with a sickening churn. So.....

[4ofUs]

ConorG, always the gentleman of course, cops a feel while poor julia is too sick to retaliate............

[julia]

poor me, I always miss out on the fun, one way or another...

[Snoopy]

Finally, Snoopy shows up. Seems everyone is completely out with the piss, though. Seeing that Stottle has already headed off for a virtual shag and that Mary's boots are licked clean, she heads on into the ladies room...

[Stottle]

Stottle, hearing name mentioned, rushs back down to the pub.
"Snoopy, Snoopy, where are you you bundle of hot sexyness?" He shouts. http://www.p45.net/rant/wink.gif

One of the wasted posters manages to raise an arm and point to the toilet. "Might have guessed" says Stottle.
As he walks into the womens toilets there is sick everywhere http://www.p45.net/rant/frown.gif
"Looks like a good evening was had by all then!" He mumbles to himself.
He see's one of the cubical doors is lock, Snoopy, hehe. He peers over the top to see.....

Continued via e-mail http://www.p45.net/rant/wink.gif

[ConorG]

....and there is snoopy gettin' pumped from behind by the barman and spewing into the bowl simultaneously. Meanwhile I'm still outside with julia when

[Steve]

I politely put a bullet in the back of your head.

It's going to be one of those days - /me is single again! what a superb weekend!

[charlies angel]

Everyone gets back to the serious job of drinking our way through 6' pints and 27 double vodkas and only one red bull. Would someone please mind reordering some.

[Joefuz]

Jayz! What's been going on here then?!?!?!

[charlies angel]

methinks the session hit a new low, Joe. You see this is what happens when you're not barman!!!