JOKES FOR THE DAY

[Paulo]

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts, "Open the safe!"
"But this is not a real bank!" the woman
replies. "It's a sperm bank."
"Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man
shouts.
The woman, now terrified, opens the safe.
"Now take one of the bottles and drink it,"
he says.

"But sir, these are sperm samples!" the
woman replies.
"Just drink it or I'll shoot!"
The woman opens the bottle and drinks the
lot. "Now take another bottle and drink it."
"But sir, I just drank one!"
"Drink another one or I'll shoot you!"
The woman has no alternative and drinks a
second bottle.
When she has emptied it the man now
takes off his mask and the woman is
surprised to see the robber is her husband.
"Now you see Honey," he says. "It isn't so
difficult, is it?"

[Paulo]

Two married buddies are out drinking one
night when one turns to the other and says,
"You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out
drinking I turn the headlights off before I get
to the driveway. I shut off the engine and
coast into the garage. I take my shoes off
before I go into the house. I sneak up the
stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, ease
into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and
yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well,
you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door,
storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the
closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my
wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow
job?'.... and she's always sound asleep!"

[Jonny]

OK, Paulo, seeing as it seems it's only us two here, I'll name that tune in two (can see a pattern emerging http://www.p45.net/rant/wink.gif )

[Lady Hawke]

Hey hey, I'm here. And my virgin ears are no accustomed to this type of banter.
More, more!!

[Paulo]

This woman and her husband have this
really bad fight. He goes off to work the next
day without talking to her, but she doesn't
care.

She's busy doing her thing around the
house. All of the sudden, around 1:00 in the
afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to
the door and opens it and there is a young
delivery guy from the local florist shop with
an enormous, beautiful bouquet of
long-stemmed red roses...the expensive
ones...from her husband.

She says to the delivery guy with disgust,
"Oh CRAP!"

The delivery guy says, "What's a matter
lady? You don't like roses?"

She replies, "Yeah, I like roses, but do you
know what this means?"

He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"

She answers, "It means for the next two
weeks I'll be laying on my back with my legs
in the air."

He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you have a
vase?"

[neon]

Encore, encore!!
I love dirty jokes in the morning http://www.p45.net/rant/wink.gif

[Paulo]

A very good-looking man walks into a
singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat.
During the course of the evening he tries to
chat up every single woman who walks into
the bar, without any luck. Suddenly a really
ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly
man, walks into the bar. He sits at the bar,
and within seconds he is surrounded by
women. Very soon he walks out of the bar
with the two of the most beautiful women in
the place.

Disheartened by all this, the good-looking
man asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but
that really ugly man just came in here and
left with those two stunning women. What's
his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm
everything a girl could want, but I haven't
been able to connect all night. What's going
on?"

"Well," said the bartender, "I don't know how
he does it, but he does the same thing
every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and
just sits there licking his eyebrows."

[Paulo]

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office
to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the
man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 75 year old man
reappears at the doctor's office and gives
him the jar, which is as clean and empty as
the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the
man explains:

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my
right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my
wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She
even tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still
nothing. We even called up the lady next
door and she tried with both hands and her
mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your
neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter
what we tried we couldn't get the DAMN jar
open!"

[princess]

Hahahahaha

Thanks Paulo, that's got my day off to a good start. Hope you're going to make this a regular feature.

http://www.p45.net/rant/biggrin.gif

[Jabberwocky]

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids.
The teams performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily.

Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."

"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"

She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."

[McGaggs]

3 guys walk into a bar...
you'd think the last two would've avoided it

[HenryJoy]

This bar walks into a duck,
screensaver???????
http://www.p45.net/rant/biggrin.gif http://www.p45.net/rant/biggrin.gif http://www.p45.net/rant/biggrin.gif http://www.p45.net/rant/biggrin.gif http://www.p45.net/rant/biggrin.gif http://www.p45.net/rant/biggrin.gif http://www.p45.net/rant/biggrin.gif http://www.p45.net/rant/biggrin.gif http://www.p45.net/rant/biggrin.gif http://www.p45.net/rant/biggrin.gif
Strange enough for ya

[Spider Jerusalem]

An Englishman a Scotsman and a Irishman walk into a bar. The barman says
"What is this, some kind of joke ? "

[Jabberwocky]

A man walked into a bar,
and broke all his teeth.

he he ha ha ho ho

[booty]

Oh dear!!!!

[Jabberwocky]

A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, "Honey, pack your bags.I won the lottery!"

The wife says, "Oh my god! No shit?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?

The husband yells back, "It doesn't matter... just get the fuck out!"


(And yes I know it's an oldie)

[Marty]

A husband is at home watching a football match when his wife interrupts, "Baby, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a Electricity Board logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Black and Decker written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you I'm going down the pub!!!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Baby, how'd all this get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either shag him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead?"



[This message has been edited by Marty (edited 18 May 2000).]

[ZSage]

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.

The preacher faces the camera and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body which ails you, and I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

[red]

Och Z! I let ya in for that??? http://www.p45.net/rant/wink.gif

[parsley]

I have two Jokes, no more, no less

Joke Number One

Q.What do you call five mancunians in a filing cabinet?
A.Sorted
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Joke Number Two

Q.What do you get hanging from apple trees
A.Sore Arms
http://www.p45.net/rant/biggrin.gif http://www.p45.net/rant/biggrin.gif http://www.p45.net/rant/biggrin.gif http://www.p45.net/rant/biggrin.gif http://www.p45.net/rant/biggrin.gif

I thank you

[This message has been edited by parsley (edited 18 May 2000).]

[This message has been edited by parsley (edited 18 May 2000).]

[neon]

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, " Why did you three leap from that building?" The blonde answers weakly, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings."

[4ofUs]

>Copy of the actual text of a letter received by the Revenue
>Commissioners from a Co. Longford farmer in reply to an
>income tax demand.
>
>Dear Sirs,
>
>Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it
>would have given the son and myself pleasure had it not
>revived in us a melancholy reflection of what has gone
>before. You say you thought the account could have been
>settled long ago, and you could not understand why it
>hadn't. Well, here is the reason. In 1987 I purchased a
>hay shed on credit.
>
>In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, a manure spreader,
>two horses, a double barrel shifter, two cows and ten razor
>back pigs, also on credit. In 1989 the bloody hay shed
>burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got no
>insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed. One of
>the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my
>brother who starved the poor bugger to death. In 1990 my
>father died and my brother was put away when he tried to
>marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my
>daughter pregnant and I had to pay him a grand to stop him
>becoming one of my relatives. In 1991 my son got the mumps
>which spread to his balls and he had to be castrated to
>save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the
>Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my
>sons, neither being the fucking eunuch who was by now
>wearing his sisters make-up and dresses. Not long
>after he emigrated to America with the new parish priest.
>They are now married and trying for children.
>
>In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish
>and left me with newborn twins as a souvenir and I had to
>get a housekeeper, soI married her to keep down expenses.
>I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for
>more children's allowance). I went to see the doctor. He
>advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment
>so that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I
>thought the moment was right I leaned out of bed and shot
>both barrels through the window, the wife shit the
>bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had
>blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and
>killed the fucking knacker who was in the hay loft with my
>daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he did
>because I had to pay for the fucker's funeral expenses.
>
>The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize
>bull, poisoned the water, and set fire to the house. I was
>bolloxed and took to the drink and did not stop until all I
>had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding
>the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time.
>
>This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire
>purchase) a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull.
>Then the Shannon flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my
>second wife got V.D. from a land inspector and my last
>surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned
>rabbit I had put down for dogs who were worrying the sheep.
>
>It surprises me very much that you say you will cause
>trouble if I don't pay up. If you can think of anything
>I've missed I should like to know about it. Trying to get
>money out of me will be like trying to poke butter up a
>hedgehog's hole with a red hot needle. I'm praying for a
>cloud of cat's shit to pass your way and I hope it will
>fall on you and the bastards in your office who sent me
>this final demand.
>
>Yours for more credit,
> John Murphy.